How To Stop Leading The Relationship, (and inspire him to step up and lead instead)
A question from our community
Hi Naomie,
You've touched on the topic of "not wearing the trousers" so many times... I have a partner who is musical, poetic, emotionally rich and interesting. But no, he's not perfect. My brain is organised, logical, numerical. Nothing will happen if I don't make it. It's painful not to feel safe and cared for in that way, even if I feel loved in others. I can never fully relax. If we do something or travel somewhere, I can't just let go and let him take charge, because he isn't really that good at it.
We're planning a big trip to Australia, and he took on himself to sort out the travel insurance. But with the amount of faff and errors and liaising with me for every step of the application, I thought it would've been quicker and less painful if I'd just done it myself. That is just an example. So while I've complained/ pointed out that he should take the lead on this and that when travelling, everything seems so difficult for him. He gets stressed. So I end up taking the reigns again... I am d*mn good at it, but that doesn't mean I enjoy doing it.
I want to also be carefree and happy go lucky in some areas of my life. I want to be in my feminine feeling and being state! This leaves me frustrated time and again. What can I do?
Ps. I did join your tapping class btw. It was wonderful.
Kind regards,
Maria
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My Response...
Maria, When a woman says, “I’m tired of being the organised one… I want to relax… I want to feel safe… I want someone to take the lead so I can finally soften,” I hear an inherently feminine woman who has become accomplished at wearing the trousers in life and love because she's felt she has to. (This was me too btw!)
You’re not alone — and nothing you’re feeling is wrong.
Your partner sounds like a good man with good intentions, And yet, as you said, that doesn’t always translate into feeling practically supported, especially when life requires logistics, decisions, or leadership.
So let’s explore what’s happening — and what you can do without slipping into the role of his manager, his mother, or the one who “has to do everything.”
1. Let go of the idea you can change him
You can’t reshape a man through frustration, pointing things out, or hoping he’ll suddenly become a confident leader.
What you can do is create space for him to grow into the parts of himself that may have been dormant, doubted, or underdeveloped.
Whether he's a man with more feminine energy, or simply a man who lacks confidence in his ability to lead, the path forward begins in the same place:
2. Masculine confidence grows through appreciation
A man steps up when he feels he can win with you.
When he feels like he’s failing, falling short, or disappointing you, he doesn’t rise — he shrinks.... and that's frustrating and a turn off for you!
So the first shift is this:
💛 Start appreciating what he does do.
💛 Speak to the strengths he already has.
💛 Let him know that he contributes something meaningful.
It’s not about denying the frustrations, or being inauthentic or patronising — it’s about redirecting your energy to where growth can actually happen, by shifting your focus to what he does contribute to you and the relationship.
3. Look for where he already contributes
What is he good at?
What does he handle naturally?
Where does his confidence come alive?
Even if his strengths aren’t logistical, they still matter.
Money, emotional support, creativity, parenthood, repairing things, cooking, affection, how his music and poetry makes you feel! — it all counts.
A man needs to feel needed, not in a dependent way, but in a valued way.
Right now he may feel like a “dead loss,” like nothing he does is quite right.
That feeling will make any man step backwards instead of forward.
4. Give him small, easy wins
This is where you gently “out-girl” him.
Instead of giving him big tasks that overwhelm him, start with small, meaningful tasks he can succeed at with ease. For example:
“I’m feeling cold — I’d love a hot water bottle.”
“I’d love a cup of tea, may you make me one?”
When you enter a café, you sit down immediately and let him order.
When travelling, you let him carry the bags or handle small practicalities.
These aren’t tests.
They’re opportunities for him to feel capable, valuable, and connected to you through contribution... and opportunities for you to practise your new habit of not jumping in to lead.
When he succeeds, you appreciate him, warmly and genuinely
This softens him.
And because he feels safe in your appreciation, his capacity expands.
5. His anxiety around “doing things right” matters
From what you described with the travel insurance example, he doesn’t lack intelligence.
He lacks confidence.
He fears failing you.
When a man feels he can’t win, he becomes stressed, frozen, shutdown to you, or overly reliant on you for reassurance.
Your appreciation creates the conditions for him to finally trust himself.
6. If he is a more feminine-energy man…
He can still lead.
Just like a feminine woman who becomes a mother, steps into her nurturing masculine energy with her children, and still remains deeply feminine...he can do both.
But he needs to feel like:
he’s capable of making you happy
he’s not competing with your competence
he has something meaningful to offer
he is allowed to try without being corrected
When a man feels like he is always second-best to his partner’s strength, he will fall back.
When he feels he can win, he will rise.
7. And finally...there'll be moments when you need to lean back completely
Not because he’s better at something.
But because leadership grows in the space where someone else isn’t automatically filling it.
There will be times when he needs to step up — and you need to soften long enough for him to feel that opening.
You deserve to feel safe, cherished, and held.
You don’t need to pretend everything's fine.
You don’t need to carry everything alone.
You don’t need to force him into masculine energy he doesn’t yet feel confident in.
Your power lies in:
your softness
your feelings
your appreciation
your willingness to make warm requests
your ability to receive
These shifts, over time, open the door for him to grow.
Not into a different man, but into a more confident, grounded, supportive version of the man you already love.
Warmest Love
Naomie