What To Do When He Pulls Away

Why Men Pull Away In Dating — And How To Respond Without Chasing

There's a feeling most women who've dated will recognise instantly.

He's been coming on strong. Messaging every day, making plans, showing you in every way that he's into you.

And then something shifts. He's quieter. More distant.

The messages slow down.

And you get that sinking, awful feeling in your stomach that he's pulling away.

And everything in you wants to do something about it.

I want to talk about what that something usually is, why it most often doesn't make things better, and what to do instead. Because there is something you can do — it just might be the opposite of what your instincts are telling you.

A story from my own dating life

There was a man who came on really, really strong. I got loads of attention. I got gifts. Loads of contact, for a few months. And then he just disappeared.

Dropped out of communication completely.

So I left it for a bit. Then I reached out. Nothing. I reached out again. Nothing.

I could feel myself desperately throwing out bait, hoping he'd catch the line so I could reel him back in. I knew I was doing it — but that anxious girl in me just couldn't stop herself.

Eventually we reconnected and started talking again. And then he disappeared again.

But that time, I just left it. Because all I was doing was prolonging my own pain. Every time I reached out, I was giving him another chance to do exactly the same thing again.

And eventually I had to stop and ask myself — what is he actually showing me here?

He was showing me exactly who he was. I just didn't want to hear it. I'd got so attached to the idea of him, and to the vision I had of a future unfolding the way I wanted it to.

This was the same dynamic I had with my dad — constantly working hard for his attention, then feeling hurt in his absences. Of course I recreated it.

The contrast you need to know

When you're in a really good relationship with a man who's relationship-ready and emotionally mature, it isn't confusing. It just isn't.

A man who's intentional about being with you — a man who genuinely wants a committed relationship — is not going to risk losing you once he's found you. Disappearing for days or weeks wouldn't feel good to him, because he'd know exactly what he was risking.

That's the difference. Hold onto it.

Three reasons a man pulls away

There can be many reasons a man pulls away when you're dating. Here are three of the most common.

1. — he struggles with the increasing emotional intimacy that a loving relationship requires, and he pulls away to avoid the vulnerable feelings.

2.— he's genuinely processing something and needs space to do it. I had a client whose now-husband went quiet for a whole weekend early on in their dating. She felt confused — but because she'd done the work, she just focused on herself. She went on another date, saw her girlfriends, got on with her life. By Monday he was back in touch. He'd simply taken the weekend to be sure in himself that he was ready to commit. They became exclusive quickly, and they're now happily married. (Sometimes a man genuinely just needs his space — there's a lovely conversation about why in my episode with Dr John Gray, on how men replenish their testosterone when they take time to themselves.)

3. — he's just not that into you, and he doesn't have the emotional maturity to say so. And that tells you a great deal about his ability to handle the natural ups and downs of a real relationship.

A man who's simply hot and cold is just not going to work for you in a committed relationship.

Why it happens — and why it triggers us so much

I work with the idea that we unconsciously choose partners who have the same tolerance for intimacy that we do.

So if you look back over your past relationships — did you tend to choose people who weren't quite able to give you the closeness you were really craving?

(If you did, it's not a coincidence. On a deep level, it felt safe. Because someone who wanted to come really close might require a level of vulnerability in you that felt uncomfortable or unfamiliar.)

I always chose men who couldn't articulate their love for me.

They weren't verbally affectionate. I deeply craved it — but I couldn't receive it. I couldn't let it in. It felt too vulnerable.

So unconsciously, I kept choosing men who found it incredibly hard to express their feelings.

So you meet someone, there's chemistry, he's coming towards you and it feels good.

You start to open up and let your guard down.

And then you feel him pull back.

And the gap that opens up starts to feel horrible. Unsafe.

It brings up all that fear of abandonment and rejection that lives just beneath the surface.

And here's something really worth knowing —

The kind of man who pulls away when you start to open up is often drawn to you when your guard is up.

That more aloof version of you doesn't threaten his fear of intimacy. He gets the thrill of the pursuit without the vulnerability of closeness.

Which is exactly why I always encourage you to learn how to stay emotionally open, and at the same time strong and boundaried.

The chasing traps

So what does that leaning forward actually look like? Because it doesn't always feel like chasing. Sometimes it feels completely reasonable.

• It can look like having big conversations about where the relationship is going, quite early on. It can look like your thoughts becoming completely preoccupied with him — what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently?

• It can look like sending a flirty message or a pretty selfie just to remind him you're there. It can look like cooking for him, planning the dates, driving him places — doing and giving and being in constant action.

All of it feels like love. All of it feels like effort. And all of it is usually pushing him further away.

Here's why…

Men value what they work for. And men fall in love through what they give being received.

When you fill all the space, you take away his ability to step up and give to you.

When a man gives and you're warm and open and receptive, he feels more like a man, more connected to you, more in love.

We think we get more love by giving more. With men, it tends to work the other way around.

What to do instead

Hang back.

Instead of reaching for your phone, instead of overthinking, instead of planning your next move — just feel it.

Let the feeling be there. The drop in your stomach, the anxiety, the uncertainty. Without trying to anaesthetise it by chasing him.

You go about your day. You drink your cups of tea. You see your friends. You fold your laundry. You go to the gym. You live your life.

Not because you don't care — but because you're not going to chase someone who isn't choosing you.

And I know it's easy to say "don't overthink." (As a recovering overthinker myself, I really do know.)

So if you catch yourself overthinking about him and beating yourself up — shift it!

Redirect all that energy to overthinking about the relationship you actually want…..The one that has nothing to do with him.

You don't know what the right man looks like or sounds like yet — but you know you're on your way to him.

Keep dreaming about that.

Leave the space open. And see what he does with it.

What his behaviour is really telling you

When a man keeps disappearing and reappearing, he's not confused.

He's not just going through something.

He's showing you his availability.

A man who's genuinely interested in you and ready for a real relationship doesn't disappear. Not for days or weeks at a time.

He might have a busy period.

He might be less available sometimes.

But he won't leave you wondering if he still exists and if he's still into you. Because he understands, consciously or not, that if he disappears, he risks losing you.

And a man who's serious about you isn't willing to take that risk.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to hear it. Pick up that anxious inner child, and walk away.

What to notice in yourself

When he pulls away — notice what happens inside you.

Do you pull away too?

Do you shut down?

Do you armour up?

Or does the distance make you lean in harder?

Because that tells you something really valuable about your own patterns and your own tolerance for intimacy.

The more you understand your own reactions, the more choice you have. It's no longer running you from the background.

And here's what I've seen over and over with the women I work with…

The more they do this inner work, the more they raise their tolerance for intimacy — and the more boring the hot-and-cold men become.

They don't even make it onto the radar, because the radar has recalibrated. It's looking for something consistent, committed, emotionally available.

And when you find that, there's no confusion.

There's just ease.

The difference when it's right

So if he's pulling away right now — hang back. Feel the feelings. Focus on your life.

Don't chase or overthink.

Don't send the cute, flirty text or the pretty selfie.

Leave the space open. And see what he does with it.

Because the right man — the relationship-ready, emotionally mature man who's genuinely intentional about being with you — he'll step into that space.

He won't risk losing you.

And you'll know, without any shadow of a doubt, that he's choosing you.

That kind of clarity and certainty is exactly what you deserve.