Am I in a Situationship? How to Tell Where You Really Stand
If you've found yourself wondering am I in a situationship, then this is for you.
You're seeing someone, it's lovely a lot of the time, and yet if a friend asked what you actually are to each other, you'd struggle to answer.
That not-knowing is exhausting. So let's clear it up.
What Is a Situationship?
A situationship is a romantic connection with no agreed commitment. You're more than friends — there are dates, intimacy, texting, sometimes even weekends away. But nobody has ever said what it is you're actually doing. There's no label, no plan, and no conversation about where it's heading.
The difference between that and a committed relationship isn't how nice it feels.
Situationships can feel wonderful when you're together.
The difference is clarity. In a committed relationship, you both know what you are and you're both moving in the same direction on purpose. In a situationship, you're moving sideways or standing still — and that can go on for months or even years.
I've had women come to me in their late 30s and early 40s who've been in situationships for years, and now they're saying — I want a family, I want children, is it too late for me?
Situationships are everywhere now.
Dating apps make it easy to keep options permanently open — there's always another profile, always someone who might be slightly better. And they've become so normalised that women are starting to believe a situationship is just a stage of the relationship process. It really isn't.
There's a real nervousness now about commitment and about being the one who wants more, so people tolerate drifting instead. Nobody has to say anything difficult. Nobody has to be the needy one.
But drifting isn't a natural part of the process — and it's costing you time, energy, emotions, and maybe even your baby making years.
Signs You Might Be in a Situationship
You've never had the conversation. Months in — maybe years — and neither of you has said what this is. And you've noticed you're a bit frightened to ask. Maybe you're scared of the answer you don't want to hear.
He avoids the future.It might be subtle. You can't make a plan more than a fortnight out. You mention a wedding in September with a plus one and he goes vague. Christmas comes up and the subject changes. Watch for that.
Communication comes and goes. This doesn't happen in every situationship — but if it's happening, you'll feel it. Constant for four days, then nothing for two or three. You catch yourself hunting for clues in his last few messages — what did he mean by that? Did I say something wrong?
You haven't met anyone in his life. No friends, no family, no colleagues. What's happening between you exists in a little bubble that never touches the rest of his world.
You're confused a lot. This is the big one. If you're spending real energy trying to work out what he means and where you stand, that confusion is information. Because when you're with someone who's relationship ready and wants a relationship with you — you feel it. You might still feel anxious sometimes. But you won't feel confused.
Nothing has moved forward. Month six looks exactly like month two. Dates, your place, his place, some weekends together and some not. There's no progression, just repetition.
Notice that nothing on that list couldn't be sorted with one honest conversation — which tells you something about why it isn't happening. If one conversation could clear all of this up, then months of confusion isn't an accident. Somebody is avoiding that conversation, and it's worth being really honest about who, and why.
Sometimes it's him. The ambiguity is working for him — he's getting the intimacy, the company, the weekends, all of it without having to give anything up or promise anything. Why would he raise it? The confusion is comfortable when you're the one it's serving.
And sometimes it's you. You're not asking because part of you already suspects what the answer is.
As long as the question stays unasked, you get to keep the hope — the maybe, the vision of him you've built in your mind. Asking risks swapping all of that for a no.
But not asking doesn't protect you from the no. The answer already exists. It's sitting there in how he's showing up, and it's sitting there in your gut feeling, whether you ask or not. The silence just delays the day you find out, while the months tick by.
If clarity were easy to get here, you'd have it by now.
Why It's So Hard to See It Clearly
If there's real physical intimacy here — and that can just be kissing and cuddling — your body is doing something that has nothing to do with whether he's right for you.
You're producing the bonding hormone oxytocin. It's what we do when we're close to people. You're bonding to him chemically and physically — your body doing exactly what it's designed to do. And that attachment doesn't check first whether he wants the same things you do. That's down to you to do.
It doesn't ask whether he's capable of the relationship you're after. It just bonds. And once you're bonded, your body starts treating him as safety. As home. It's the same wiring that bonds a mother to her baby — ancient, powerful, and it doesn't care whether he's texted you back.
That's why the hot-and-cold hurts so much. When the communication drops out for three days, you're not just disappointed — you're dysregulated. The person your body has decided is safety has vanished, and every alarm you've got starts going off. That's why you check your phone forty times. That's why you can't concentrate at work.
That's why a perfectly capable, accomplished woman finds herself reading a three-word message over and over, hunting for clues. There's nothing wrong with you. You've bonded to a man who isn't offering anything steady to bond to.
And when he comes back, you're flooded with relief — which your brain reads as this is love, this must be something real. It isn't intensity because he's the one. It's intensity because you were in withdrawal and he's just given back the thing you were craving.
This is why I always say….the relationship you want is the prize — not the man!
When the man is the prize, everything in you organises itself around him. You're watching his face for signs. You're adjusting what you say. You're becoming slightly easier, slightly lower maintenance, slightly cooler, slightly less bothered than you actually are. And you don't notice you're doing it, because it feels like being nice. It feels like not making a fuss.
A word about "unbothered", while we're here — because it's everywhere on social media at the moment. I love what's underneath it and I’m loving reading the book.
But don't mistake being unbothered for pretending to be unbothered. That's just another way of being the cool girl. When you genuinely raise your inner strength and self-awareness, you'll naturally feel less bothered about whether someone's into you or not. You might feel disappointed — but you won't be bothered. Pretending, though? Underneath, you're auditioning. You've handed him the clipboard and you're waiting to hear whether you got the part in his show.
When the relationship is the prize, you're the star of your own show. You're holding a picture of your life — how you want to feel on a Sunday morning, the way a good man talks to you when you're upset, the way he shows up when you're poorly. That's the thing to be attached to. That's the thing to future-trip about. Not him.
From there — from “I'm curious… show me who you are” — you can look at him almost like you'd look at anyone else. He's lovely, he's handsome, the intimacy is great, he's great fun on a night out. And does he want what I want?
That question is much easier to ask when you're not terrified of the answer. Because if it's no, you haven't lost the prize. He was never the prize. You've just found out he isn't the vehicle to what you want — and you can go and find one that is. A man who's all of those wonderful things but isn't ready for a relationship is like a leaky boat. He's not going to get you to your destination without sinking you.
So don't get hooked on a man until he's shown you, over time and with consistent actions, that he's capable of the relationship you really want, that he wants it with you too, and that you feel really good about it. Before that, he's just a lovely stranger you're getting to know. Let him earn your commitment, your time and your investment.
What Should You Do Next?
Be honest with yourself first. Not about him — about you. What do you actually want? What's the thing you might not have said out loud, even to yourself? If you want a committed relationship, a marriage, a family — own it. You can't ask for something you won't admit to. And if what you want is to be a stay-at-home mum with a man who provides, own that too — there are plenty of men who want exactly that. This is your one true and precious life. Many women stay in situationships because staying is easier than admitting they want more and risking hearing no. But you're not protecting yourself. You're just delaying the answer while the months and years go by.
Have the conversation — from your feelings. Not an interrogation, not what are we, where is this going? Try something like: I've realised I want a committed relationship, and I'd love to know your thoughts about that. You're not demanding a label. You're telling the truth about yourself and giving him the chance to meet you. Then let his answer be the answer.
Watch what he does, not just what he says. Words are easy — anyone can say the right thing in a moment. What you want to see is the pattern over weeks. Is he moving towards you consistently, or is he still hot and cold with a nicer vocabulary?
Know when it's time to go. If you've been honest, you've had the conversation, and nothing has changed — that's your answer. He's told you. He might not have used the word no, but he's told you.
A Final Thought
Wanting clarity doesn't make you too needy or too demanding. It makes you a woman who knows what she's here for.
Any man who's genuinely right for you won't be put off by you knowing your own mind. The right man will be relieved — because a man who wants a relationship, and wants it with you, wants to know where he stands too.
You're allowed to want a real relationship. You're allowed to say it out loud. And you're allowed to walk away from something that's never going to become one.
And how about we normalise something better than situationships — trusting ourselves to get through the disappointment and sadness when the person we thought could be the one, turned out not to be.
Because disappointment doesn't last forever. Heartbreak doesn't last forever. And you will be okay.
Love Naomie
